Everyone's favorite topic. Or not. Little G-man won't have to worry about this for a while. Or maybe he will be a priest. Then he can just date the Church ;) But my dear Goddaughters? I know this is a topic near and dear to your hearts. So its probably worth talking about, er, writing about.
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| free vector photo |
Back in my day, the day of arranged marriages and dowries.... kidding, kidding... just checking to make sure you were still reading...
Dating can be confusing. I mean, being a teenager is confusing enough! Hormones, those pesky awful things that make us clingy and weepy one minute and raging lunatics the next certainly aren't helpful! They also tend to make us want to fall madly, deeply, truly, in love forever and forever and 4-EV-R...until we break up.... and then fall madly, deeply, truly, for REAL THIS TIME in love, smoochy smoochy....never mind, he was a toad. THIS TIME I am REALLY in love, like never before, its so much more awesomer, I feel so Uh-MAZE-ZING, I think there is music playing whenever we are together and our Instagrams are SO CUUUUTEEEEE, hang on, he's snap-chatting me again *duck face*....... sound familiar?
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| Photo Cred: https://britneydrotleff.wordpress.com/ |
Now, lets stop right here for a minute before I lose you.
This is NOT a letter about a twisted definition of "chastity." This is NOT a letter about "how far is too far?" This is NOT a list of what you CAN'T do. I hate those. I hate those talks and books that tell you how BAD you are for having feelings. I hate those things that make you think dating is a scary minefield of SIN and ITS ALL YOUR FAULT because you're so SINFUL AND BAD! I hate with a white hot passion those "chastity" talks that tell girls THEY are the reason boys sin so WEAR A CATHOLIC BURKA because little Johnny CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF! (Can you tell I hate that?)
So this ISN'T that. Like, at all.
What the heck is all this about then? It's about dating, I told you that, silly. But really, its about much more than that.
Dating is scary. Its pretty much the pits. I mean, the lead up to it is fun and exciting, and then YAY you're "together." Until you're not. Then the awful post-breakup despair begins. Repeat.
Why does this scenario play out over and over again? Why is dating much more likely to end in heartache and horribleness than it is in rainbows and unicorns and flowers and Happy Ever After? Because, dear Goddaughters, there IS NO "Happy Ever After." Not on this earth.
Wow, thanks for that. I'm never reading this blog again, ya buzz-kill.
Pssst. There aren't really any unicorns either.
OK, That's it. I'm done. Can I fire my Godmother? She stinks....
This merry-go-round of happy then heartache repeats itself over and over, and each time we hit the "heartache" part, its worse. It hurts more. It stings longer. We think we aren't worthy of EVER finding that elusive true love, and darn we JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE US! We just want someone to think we are the most beautiful, most awesome, most smart, most desirable girl on the planet. We just want to be happy. We just want to find the guy that will MAKE US HAPPY!
And that - that right there - is our problem.
We've got dating all wrong. We have been conditioned to believe that dating is all about what this guy can do for me, how he makes me feel. My happiness, my feelings, my desires, my needs.... and we think dating is how we become fulfilled. How we satisfy that NEED we have to be loved and wanted. Yet, it never works! Goddaughters, girls, we've got dating wrong. Especially this whole idea of "casual dating." You know, dating "just for fun" because lets be honest, breaking up is NEVER fun, and that is always the result!
Believe it or not, dating actually has a purpose, and the purpose is not simply just "to date." The purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. That was ALWAYS the purpose of dating (or courting, or *name your pre-marriage ritual of discernment here*). Keeping the purpose of dating in mind is actually a HUGE weight off your shoulders! Because if the purpose of dating is marriage, then the pressure is OFF. We date someone only if we think we can marry them. The dating part is like the final test. It lets you get to know someone on a deeper level so you can decide if they would be a good husband.
Guess what? Its not even all about you either. Remember the purpose
of dating is to find someone to marry, right? Well, then lets talk about Marriage for a minute. Marriage is absolutely NOT about you.
Say what?!
Marriage is not about you. It is about the OTHER. And when you have kids, its about the OTHERS. You put yourself last. That's how a GOOD marriage works - when you (the wife) serve EVERYONE ELSE, placing their needs, but most importantly, their SOULS as your first priority. Sounds pretty exhausting doesn't it? Well, here's the cool part. Your husband, must be willing to do THE SAME THING. God wasn't kidding - in Ephesians 5 it says "Husbands, love your wives like Christ loved His Church." What did Christ do for His Church? He DIED for her. Girls, your husbands must be willing to DIE (physically and metaphorically) for you. They must be willing to put THEMSELVES last. See what happens? You end up fighting for "last place!" You, by placing your husbands needs and his soul as YOUR priority and HE, by placing YOUR needs and soul as HIS priority! Looky there! God is so smart! In this lovely design BOTH husbands and wives have their needs met and their souls cared for! In a completely non-selfish way!
John Paul II (my man!) was a pretty smart guy. He said, "Man cannot know himself except through a sincere gift of self." In other words, this whole placing yourself last thing is the ONLY way you will be happy! And not only that, its the only way you will truly come to KNOW yourself!
See, not only have we gotten dating wrong, we've gotten love wrong. Love is not about me, me, me, it is, just like marriage, about the other. It is about you, you, you. (or him, him, him). Love is about sacrificing. That is why real love is required for a marriage like God intended. We just discovered that marriage is about living for the other(s), well, this is impossible to do without real, authentic love. And what is love? Or maybe we should say WHO is Love? God is Love. And what did God do? He sacrificed. Himself. For the other - us. So love, real love, is IMPOSSIBLE if it does not involve two things: God and sacrifice.
Wow, this just keeps getting better and better. NOT! First, there are no unicorns, now you're telling me that love is sacrifice?
Yep, But there's a catch. With God you'll notice there's always a catch - a paradox. The catch is, when two people are willing to sacrifice for each other - the most beautiful, fruitful, fulfilling, exciting, amazing, life-changing things happen. Happiness happens.
You already know this is true. You've seen it, you just probably haven't thought about it this way before. Ask yourself, would you rather be with Guy A: who wonders how you are going to make him happy, demands your attention, your time, and makes you pay for everything while talking about how great he is or Guy B: who stops at nothing to make you happy and wants nothing in return, pays attention to you, respects your time, pays for everything, and is senstive to how you're feeling?
No brainer: Guy B of course!
Would you rather A) have a guy willing to fight for you to the death or B) a guy who hides behind you or uses you as a human shield?
Duh. A wins.
Would you prefer a family where A) everyone is looking out for themselves and pretending to care about others, or B) where they are looking out for each other - because they actually cared.
Seriously? Do I need to answer? B - no contest.
We intuitively want sacrificial, unselfish love! We need it! We just get in our own way because we are afraid we won't ever find it. So we get selfish out of fear and wanting to fit in, and we want so badly to be loved we settle for something that isn't love but that makes us feel happy for a short while.
I want to tell you a little secret. A guy will rise to the level of the bar YOU set for him. No, scratch that. a GOOD guy, a WORTHY guy will rise to the level of the bar you set for him. So SET THE BAR HIGH!
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| This Bar was set high. He failed. |
How?
Let's review. We shall call this the "Dating Flow Chart."
Dating = Marriage
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Do I think I could Marry this Guy? ---> No = DON'T DATE
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Yes
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Get to know him by hanging out more with friends
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Do I STILL think I could marry this guy? ---> No! What was I thinking = DON'T DATE
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Yes
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Get to know him BETTER by spending more time together
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NOW can I see this man as my husband? ---> No way, Jose = DON'T DATE
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Proceed to asking "The Questions"
The Questions:
1) Does this man love God? Yes = keep going No = Move along, there are more fish in the sea
2) Does this man help me love God more? Yes = looking good No = CAUTION!
3) Does this man know how to sacrifice? Yes = woot! No = dangerous to proceed
4) Does this man place me before himself? Yes = sounding like a winner No = rough times ahead
5) Does this man understand REAL love? Yes = wahooo! No = this is gonna be a problem
6) Does this man understand the real point of dating? Yes = AWESOME No = bummer. Not good.
7) After praying and trying to find God's Will, do I feel called to a relationship with this person? (this one may take some time. That's OK. Be patient. Keep praying)
Obviously you want as many, or better yet, ALL the answers to The Questions to be YES. If you're not sure, its OK. That's why you date. But as soon as you get a big fat no, move on, because the longer you hold on, the more it's going to hurt later, and it WILL hurt later if you end up dating someone who doesn't understand love, or dating, or sacrifice, or marriage.
Don't date "for fun." Set that bar high. Demand that whoever you date actually "gets it." All of it. Make sure they understand love. That they understand WHY you even date in the first place. Make sure they understand marriage. If they don't, that is when you protect your own heart by NOT dating. By waiting until a guy who DOES get it comes along.
I promise you, if you remain faithful to God, faithful to your own worth, faithful to setting this standard and keeping dating in its proper place, he WILL come along.
Until then, you can always come and hang out at the Fairy Palace (aka: my house) ;)
Love,
Your Fairy Godmother
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